Forgetting J

I truly love him, I'm certain on that matter, though I know the fact that we haven't actually met in person. I remember what he told me before, that I should use my mind, and think all over and over and over again what I was saying blah blah blah. Whatever, I don't want to use my brain cells on this matter.

A few weeks ago, I opened up everything to my friends (S.A.W. Fab) and they cited different point of view about my situation. And I came to realized that they were somehow right. Sometimes I have to be in control of my emotions, I should take control of my emotions not the other way around. Their suggestions are not that easy for me, but I guess somehow I need to let go of what I felt for him. Why? Because there's really nothing to expect, in the first place I guess it was just me who had fallen. Ugh! I'm so confused really! I know it seems like I do have a lot of crushes blah blah! But it was just a mere infatuation and it's incomparable to what I really feel for him. I am more serious on my feelings for him more than the other; however, I can tell that he doesn't feel the same way as I do.

So I guess I have to bid adieu to my feelings for him, but it doesn't mean that I have to forget him at all. I will just save what is left in the deepest part of my heart. Because who knows maybe someday he'll feel the same, maybe in our next life.

I want to shout out loud that he's the only one I wanted to take care of. But I guess we were really like the sun and moon, never meant to meet until eclipse.

Farewell 'care bear'! I know this is what you want, because you keep on pushing me away.

Student Council Election

Before I decided to run for student council election, I do have so many friends. But then the moment I decided to run, many of them are gone and only a few of my friends stayed with me until the final day of the election. At first I was really disappointed to them, because they never tried to listen to my side, they've only heard the other side of the story. Eventually, I've realized I never had the feeling of regrets for deciding to run because I now knew who my true friends are and who are not.

Seriously, the whole thing was really an impulsive decision. Right before I knew it I was submitting my certificate of candidacy and then my name was written on the posters.

Before things eventually falls into place, I've prepared myself for whatever the outcome will be. I've much prepared myself for losing to my opponent. It's not being a pessimist; I was just basing things on the fact that my standing/our group standing is 40-60, 40% chance of winning and 60% chance of losing.

So the way I calculated things, we lose. But then seriously I never felt bad about losing. I don't know it's really weird huh?! Perhaps I've prepared myself so much to this kind of end result. I was just a bit disappointed coz none of my party mates made it to the list. And I quite blame myself for this because I didn't put much effort for campaigning. So when I told them about the final counting of votes, I made sure that they are fine and still happy about the whole experience. And good thing I've also prepared them for this. I wouldn't forget the first meeting I had with them, I told them "guys, keep in mind it doesn't matter if we win or not… just enjoy and value the whole experience because none of this will happen the same way again." It's true, if I'm not mistaken this is the first Student Council Election in our school which is very controversial.

 

If people would ask me about my experience regarding the election… the honest answers I can give to you are:

• I'm glad, because in my last year of college life I've experienced how to campaign, how to speak in front and convince the people to vote for you, I've experienced how hard it is to think of something creative for your slogans and posters, and most especially I've set aside the introverted side of me and transformed myself into an extrovert type. And somehow, I've had reach out into some of my fellow student's heart.
  
• I always have a good image from everyone around me, but then when I run for the SC, I've experienced the very worse, that there is a point where people are trying to put you down by talking shit about you which is not really true. They will try to tear you up into pieces. They will not see your good side but focuses on the bad, if they can't find one they will make one just to crash you. Some of them are the people you thought are friends and some are people who doesn't really know you at all. At first, I almost want to give up and wish things were back into normal. But thanks to the people who gave me strength and never believed in any of those stupid lies. They told me not to give up, and for once I should stand for something which I thought was right.
  
• Even though I lose this battle, I've gained new special friends. They are the people which I never expected to be on my side in times like this. And I'm really happy and blessed for knowing them.
  
• I've also seen the good and bad side of politics. And I've applied what I have learned from my politics class.
  
• And to top it all, despite of what had happened, at the end of the day I've become a much better person. And become stronger more than I ever thought I could be.
  

Seriously, I never really cried over the result of the tallying I don't know why… perhaps it was not worth it to cry over something like that. I'm just so touched with all those people who felt bad about the result, they also show their concerns over my feelings towards it. But like what I've said I'm not lying that I'm fine. I kept telling them "don't be sad about it, kasi baka mahawa ako niyan." J

In the game of life, it is true that it is in the human nature to be eager to win every challenge. But then losing is also winning the greatest lesson of all. You become much better the next time you get into the battlefield of life, right before you knew it.

Once again, I would like to thank all those people who have stayed there for me. Thanks for never stop believing!

Special thanks to:

• My Group 1 family: this is not the end of our endeavors, there are yet more to come. I'm just glad that no matter what we are still bonded.
  
• To Ate Tin, Ate Rox, Lily, & Margaux: thank you for everything! I'm blessed for knowing you guys! Thank you for letting me in into your circle of friends.
  
• To some of my ASK family: Thank you because despite of what had happened you guys use your personal judgment on things. Thank you because you have seen the "leader" side of me, you know who you are.
  
• My buddies: John, Gumz, and Adik thanks you for your advices!
  
• To my bestfriend & sister Mean: thank you for always listening to me actively and giving out the best of your advice!
  
• And lastly, thanks to my mama for respecting and supporting my decision to run for the SC presidency. I know you doesn't want me to but you let me experienced it. Thank you for listening to me. I love you mama!
  

Actually, the word thank you is not enough to show how much thankful and blessed I am to this people.

Oh well, till here! Back to regular class na! Hehe

Betrayal

So this is how it feels like being betrayed by a friend…

How would you feel if the person whom you considered a friend dated the guy you dated before?

I know I don't have the right to be mad because there was never really an "us" in the first place. But then I know that my friend is aware that I still like that guy, and I even shared almost everything about that guy to her. And then all of a sudden I would hear from her that he dated that guy!

All this time akala ko fate yung dahilan kung bakit parati ko nakikita si "C" sa tapat ng school, yun pala tinitxt lang nung friend ko!

Naaasar ako sa ginawa niya. Pinagkatiwalaan ko siya tapos eto pa yung makukuha ko! Seriously, right now I don't know kung maibabalik ko pa yung TRUST ko sa kanya. At natatakot na ko magpakilala sa kanya ng guy na I like since this might happen again. All this time I thought nagbago na siya, yun pala pati sa akin gagawin niya din yun. Ngayon naniniwala na ako na kapag gusto niya yung guy gagawin niya lahat mapasa kanya lang, and it doesn't matter to her kahit may kaibigan siyang masasaktan.

And all I get is SORRY? Ano gagawin ko sa sorry niya? Nangyari na ang kinatatakutan ko. Its nonsense!

Right now I'm quite confused. Why on earth does she have to tell me all those things? If she can keep it to herself naman? I think there's something going on between them.

Upon hearing everything from her, I thought wala lang sa akin. Pero later on, I felt so betrayed of what had happened.

Hindi ako galit sa kanya, pero galit ako sa ginawa niya. She doesn't even considered our friendship… especially the TRUST I gave her.

Habang sinasabi niya sa akin lahat, I was observing her. And she can't look straightly into my eyes. CRAP! And she was saying na kaya niya sinabi sa akin lahat ng yun kasi friend niya ko! Pero hindi man lang niya naisip na FRIEND niya ko nung nag DATE sila!

I don't know, pero right now I can't take what she did to me. It was really hard kasi parati kami magkasama sa duty and lectures. So perhaps I can get along with her professionally, pero as a friend katulad ng dati where TRUST is involve, mukhang Malabo na.

Napaka babaw para pagawayan ang isang lalaki, grabe! Kaya hindi ko siya inaway or something when she told me this things. Pero you can't blame me kung hindi ko na maibabalik yung trust ko sa kanya. I've had enough! Magsama sila kung dun sila Masaya!

 

No Boyfriend Since Birth

"I'm not looking for one person to love. I'm not deliberately looking anymore. But my eyes are wide open for many lovable persons out there who are equally capable of giving me love. "– Claire Betita (No Boyfriend Since Birth)

While reading the pocketbook entitled No Boyfriend Since Birth by Claire Betita, I find myself dipping into the personality of Rudie, which is the main character in the novel. We were sort of riding the same boat. I'm kind of feeling self-pity that I don't have anybody to call mine. I know, I'm still young but then it is in the human nature that when you reach the age of early adult you feel like looking for somebody to be with, I'm not talking about the social relationship but more on the intimate one of course.

When I asked my family or friends, they kept on saying that there's nothing wrong with me. As a matter of fact, they never failed to tell me that I'm pretty, smart, cute, lovable, etc. But I can't help but wonder why can't I be liked by the guys I like? I guess guys nowadays are blind or perhaps insensitive.

I am surrounded by a lot of adorable guys but it seems like none of them are interested in me. Do you know how bad I felt about that? It's like I do not exist, it's like I'm invisible at all.

Oh my I can't help but feel like wallowing! There is this instance I ever think and done going blind dates, ask guys out, and hang out at a place with guy-heavy traffic. But none of them really works.

If I have to define the term BOYFRIEND in my perspective, it's an intimate relationship not less than a month of commitment to each other. I haven't been committed to anyone. Most of my relationships with guys are just flings. And I want more serious than that. I've learned that flings are just temporary and it was just for fun and when you fall for that person you were flinging with, you only have a few chance of hope that you two will go to the next level. And since a fling is having no commitment at all, anytime the guy would just drop you off leaving you half-empty and then you'll see him flirting with another woman.

I always tell myself that I know how to play the game, but then at the end I always find myself a loser, because I cried tons of tears every time I was left out hanging. But then even if I lose I also win a lesson from it. So its true that when you lose you also win. I just hope that it won't be to late for love to come my way.

For now I won't rush things to fall into places. I have to enjoy & learn for the "meantime".

'ok lang naman na walang magsabi sa akin ng "i love you", pwede ko naman sabihin I LOVE MYSELF, Ingat ako, kumain na ba ako'... haha ^_^

The Last Token

Wherever I go, I always carry with me a token. I kept it inside the side pocket of my cell phone casing. When my friends borrow my phone, they always notice that token. So they begin asking me a question about that token. The usual answer I gave them back is that, 'it's something that reminds me of a friend.'

As far as I could remember, we've used that token for a karaoke machine. I had kept two tokens with me, but I lost the other one. So I'm trying to keep the last token safe.

Some people might find that token ordinary, but for me that is priceless. The place where I got that token is somewhere in manila. That was the first time I went to that kind of place, and I have no idea when would I get back to that place again.

I'm looking forward to use that last token with the same person I'm with the last time I went there, and I'm keeping it for a final song with him.

I'm not sure if things would turn out to something I want, but then that last token signifies my last chance to prove something to that person. I believe that there is this 50% possibility that things would work out just fine, and the other 50% is the opposed of the first possibility. But whatever happens I would still love to use that last token against all odds with him.

Moving Mountain

Why is moving on that tough? Can somebody pls explicate this to me? Why do I have to see the person who brings me heartache all over again? They say everything ensues for a reason, right? So, seeing him out of the blue could mean, what?

I'll be hypocrite if I would say that I'm not in high spirits seeing him around, the fact is I truly am, whenever he is right next to me. But somehow I feel a bit gauche about it.

We never get to talk to each other nowadays and it hurts a lot when he's there right in front of me and it seems like he's not happy seeing me around.

However, the same old feelings are coming back whenever I see him. Darn! I'm such a fool because I like him that much.

:(

Today Conversation with "J"

I won't make the story long...

Well he keeps on bugging me why I liked him, me on the otherhand cannot explain the reason behind it. Argh! I don't know naman talaga! It wasn't about physical attraction and I'm very sure of it, since "hindi pa kami nagkikita personally". *sigh* If I do have the answers to his question sasagutin ko naman eh. I mean there's nothing to hide naman. Basta all I know I'm happy talking to him and my friends are my witness, because they can tell that I'm really happy.

*sigh Sigh sigh* Bakit nga kaya?

He finds it funny, because I LIKED him so fast... erRR ano magagawa ko eh yun yung feeling ko eh!

On our conversation he also asked me if ever I had my heart broken? well, napaisip tuloy ako... When do you say that your heart broken? When was the last time somebody broke my heart? Is it really broken? For me kasi heart broken is something like the person you like doesn't like you the way you liked him/her, wherein you feel rejected etc... That was broken hearted for me. Hmm the last guy who broke my heart was "C"... I really felt bad about it, but I have to move on and even though things doesn't work up the way I wanted it to be, I'm still happy because at least nagtagpo ang aming landas!!! haha tagalog na tagalog. I never regret knowing him.

As for "J", your saying that you don't fall easily even if you like the girl right? Well, does it mean you sort of like me but not attached? Don't worry I'm not asking you to fall for me anyway... Lets just enjoy whatever there is for us, right? That's something I've learned from my past experience, enjoy the next good thing! And if you don't like me, just say it so ok? I'll rather hear the truth than a lie. (as if naman he's reading this eh noh? haha)

^_^

A Gracious Day!

First and simplest reason why I find this day gracious kasi nagising pa ako from a very deep sleep, which means God has given me another chance to live.

Second....

>>> All my loved ones are all safe...

Third....

>>> It was my daily routine to check my emails and log in to my yahoo messenger and check who among my friends are online. I was surprised that my good friend "LOLO J" was online. That wasn't his real name of course its just my alias for him, para naman mysterious ang dating. Haha So, we chat for a couple of minutes and then I log out na since I still have my duty and I have to leave the house at 5:30am. Talking to "Lolo J" brightens my day, yeah seriously! Dunno why, but I guess it just proves that I really like him, though we haven't seen each other in person. Could it be possible? Well, I guess it is possible in my case. haha It's weird how I wish he likes me too or at least misses my presence. LOL

Fourth...

>>> I've seen once again my groupmates who are very dear to me. I misses them a lot since we haven't seen each other for 3 weeks. So I'm glad kasi sama-sama na naman kami for this rotation. Kumpleto na naman ang "Group 1 celebs!" naks!!!

Fifth...

>>> "Mr. C" was our built-in Clinical Instructor!!! that's not his real name, I won't publish it here. Of course my groupmates knows him, so ok na yun na sila lang nag nakaka-alam. Not unless mapilit kayo at pilitin niyo ako na sabihin sa inyo kung sino si "Mr. C" haha. So ayun, I'm so happy kasi I had a crush on him before, kaso that time he wasn't handling us but now he was! So nagulat ako seeing him! haha with this, sakto my NSD so ako yung assist, and my gosh another humiliating moment for me, he was asking "sino yung assist" and my friend "L" answered " si kylie po" and medyo tinulak niya ako ng kaunti and I said " ako po Sir"... and then sabi ni "Mr. C", "name?" ako naman parang nabingi at hindi ko naintindihan yung sinabi niya and inulit niya ulit yung tanong niya sabi niya " name mo? nakalimutan mo na?" (parang natatawa siya) arghhh! tapos dun lang ako natauhan na he was asking my name kasi nga naman he's the one grading us! arghhh so sinabi ko name ko tapos I gigled pero pa-cute na gigle! hahaha (LANDI) so basta ayun na he was beside me and his hands are on my shoulder tapos pushing me papunta sa sterile area. NAKS! KILIG NA KILIG ako! shocks! haha kay tagal kong hinintay ang oras na yun! LOL so ayun! During the NSD, he also went beside me pero he was checking the contraction of the uterus, basta ang mahalaga andun siya sa tabi ko! haha tapos after the NSD, so the usual thing > "cleaning time". So since I was the assist, I have to wash the instruments at the back. So sabi ni Mr. C, "Pikihugasan na lang yung mga instruments dun sa may Mumu".... eh since I'm scared of ghosts sabi ko "SIR NAMAN!" haha tapos natawa siya sabi niya "sige basta pag may nakita ka or something takbo ka na lang" and then he giggle. Bibiruin ko sana eh, sasabihin ko sana "samahan niyo naman ako", kaso hindi ko nasabi kasi duh PROFESSIONAL STUDENT NURSE ako! *wink*. So I went at the back to wash the instruments, seriously natatakot ako but I pretend that I'm matapang! hehe I was really praying while washing the instruments para hindi magpakita kung ano man ang meron dun. Tapos a little later Mr. C checked on me for awhile kung kamusta na ang ginagawa ko. And siyempre medyo nagtanong ako "Sir san po ito ilalagay after" haha para medyo tumagal siya dun. haha kanya kanyang deskarte lang yan as they say! *wink*.

Pero may napansin ako ah, feeling ko kasi tinitignan niya ako when I went to the station to copy the diagnosis, ewan ko feeling ko lang naman un. Nyay! KILIG to the BONES!



So that's the 5 reasons why this day is very GRACIOUS!!!

Pero at the end of the day ang nasa isip ko pa din si "Lolo J", I can't explain much about how I feel for him pero basta siya yung naiisip ko eh. Haha hmmm baka he was thinking of me too. LOL

Some facts lang before I end this up:

"Girls have innumerable CRUSHES but their hearts only belong to ONE guy..."

& "Guys may be flirting all day but beore they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly love about..."

^_^

Argh!!!

I just wanted to share something. How come some guys flirts a lot even though they already have a girlfriend. It pisses me off!!!

If he thinks na sasakyan ko yung mga FLIRTING strategies niya! Excuse me!!! Sorry siya! Hindi na ko patay na patay sa kanya! Kaasar! ASSUMING ah!

By the way I'm not talking about "chinito", I'm talking about "my friendly neighbor" (Kilala niyo na ba?)

Mantra's

It's almost 1 in the morning here, and yet I still couldn't get myself to sleep. I'm so tired from the walking here and there but I don't feel sleepy at all. I just found myself opening the YouTube and searching for songs and then suddenly I'm surprised that I was typing in the search box "mantra/s".

My friend Mara used this topic for her teaching demo on our Strategy class last semester, and we even do the "mantra" thing after the lecture. But some of my classmates didn't took the activity seriously that's why I was influenced and I'm sort of giggling while doing it in class. So here comes Johnny, a good friend of mine, who introduced the chanting thing. I remember when we watched together a YouTube mantra through yahoo chat, well this time I took the "mantra" thing more seriously and the feeling doing the mantra is gives me like a goose bumps yet relaxing your mind.

And I guess that's the reason why I'm doing the "mantra" thing now. I need to relax my mind from all the stresses. I need peace of mind at least before going to sleep so that I would have a very pleasant dreams.

Well, I'm gonna continue the chanting thing for a couple of minutes and then I'll go straight to bed na.

So yeah! goodMornYt!

zZz

New Hope...

Wow! Super nabuhayan ako ng loob when I get to talk to Ate Gigi through facebook. She was a former flight attendant, so I asked her a few questions that I have in mind about her job before.

If you guys are not aware, I wanted to take up Tourism before but because of some reasons I ended up in Nursing. I don't have regrets naman in tooking up Nursing, I can still be a flight nurse naman eh since madaming landing jobs ang Nursing.

The very basic reason why I wanted to be a flight attendant before is that I wanted to travel in different places around the globe.

My dreams of becoming a flight attendant faded when some people here are telling me that "dapat your eye vision is normal" etc. I lost hope of becoming one because my eye vision is not normal na, its not 20-20! I used to wore an eye glasses when I was in first year high school but some people at school thinks I'm a genius so I never wore that eye glasses again kahit I'm having a hard time reading na. Haha I just make sure na I get to seat in front of the class para I won't have a hard time when it comes to lecture.

So back to Ate Gigi, I asked her.... "Ate Gigi, is it true na dapat malinaw mata mo kapag flight attendant ka?" and she told me na its not necessary naman daw, you could wear contact lenses naman. And boom! a sudden rush of blood over me! I still have a chance!!! I super wanted to jump out of happiness nung nalaman ko yun.

Because of that I have made a new plan for my future. Haha! After I graduate next year and pass the local board, I will took up the NCLEX and whatever exams I needed to take to be an RN. And then I will specialized as an Operating Room Nurse or Dialysis Nurse, and then I have to take an IV training. And then I'm going to submit whatever requirements sa mga airlines. And from then on, kung ano unang dumating na job for me I will grab it agad. If unang dumating yung flight attendant I will work for 5 years siguro. I think sa 5 years na yun I would be able to travel in different places na with pay pa! haha Wag lang babagsak yung plane! hehehe And after 5 years I'm going to stick to nursing for the rest of my life. Hehe But just in case mauna yung Nursing Career ko, hmm oh well I have to stick to it forever na.

Actually, in whatever angle ko tignan mas malaki ang salary sa Nursing career ko. Pero kasi happiness naman is not about the money your earning eh. It's about reaching your goals in life. Yeah! yun ay para sa akin, so walang kokontra! hehe

:)

Group 1 Gala

Yesterday, the weather was not really good. It was raining so hard. But the rain won't stop us from eating Shabu-Shabu! arghhh So we took a cab up to Shangrila, by the way I was with my group 1B fellas. Upon reaching Shang, we hurriedly go to the Shabu-Shabu stall since we were super hungry, because we only had a few slices of cake for lunch.

We don't talk much while eating, as they said " galit-galit muna". Kasi gutom na nga kami! So we all wanted to finish eating first before "chikahan" in order to regain energy. But since we are all sort of cam whore, we can't stop ourselves from taking some pics while eating our cute shabu-shabu. We also ate siomai after, for drinks, Mean, Val and I had iced tea, while Mae and Correa had coconut shake (eww, I wonder what does it tastes).

After we ate, we went in a karaoke room at Quantum. Yep! It's so kewl! We had a video while singing. I actually uploaded it at youtube, but then I won't post it in public since we were wearing our uniforms and we'll be dead if the faculty sees that. Actually, we were not allowed to post any pics nor video of ours wearing our uniforms. So we really are dead meat if they see that video, it's not nude hahaha but we were wearing our uniform. Just in case you guys wanna see it, just send me a message. *wink

Lemme continue my story...

So we sang... and then I went out of the glass room to look for a song. And I was surprised when a guy seats beside me. So I took a look at him using my peripheral vision. haha! yeah! I'm surprised that this guy is a "HEY". Just in case you guys was not familiar of that lingo of ours, "HEY" means "CUTE/HOTTie guy". So I went inside the room again and I told them, "take a look at that guy, what do you think?" and they said "a HEY" so I told them to take a picture of us haha while seating outside, so the second time I went out I pretend I was looking for a song again. haHa yAy! I hope he doesn't noticed what were planning.

And we all like going super hyper again seeing a 'HEY' around the corner. Haha! He is cute but I think he's old, so whatever! I like somebody else anyway he's older than me too but I much like him like super likey him, we don't have pictures together though, because he's so far like the stars from up above. haha

So back to Quantum, after 12 songs we decided to go back home since we're all tired and wasted. Actually, we just wanted to dine out and celebrate because the 1st rotation for the summer duty is over. And you know for another "bonding time". Next time we'll go play billiards, of course not in our uniforms.

till next time folks!

For One More Day

I finally finished reading "For One More Day" by Mitch Albom, the guy who wrote the famous book "Tuesdays With Morrie".

Upon reading the book I just find myself crying, because I am so much affected of the story. It was pretty much like the life of my brother, but not the suicidal part of course!

Well I don't have to narrate the story because it's pretty long.

I just want to write something about my realizations after reading that book.

[+] It was true that we can see the purest love in our mother's eye.

[+] You have to finish college first before anything else. Or in other words "Study first".

[+] Fame is just temporary, so don't be so much attached to it.

[+] Never take for granted your Family.

[+] Regrets is somehow feeling helpless.

[+] You cannot change back the time so make the most out of it. Live, Laugh, Love!

[+] Wait for your time, never rush! death will come to you. Don't be so excited!

[+] Don't drink too much nor smoke, because it kills you slowly.

[+] When death is close to you, you will see your dead relatives and they sort of "SUNDO" you.

[+] When you've done wrong in your past, remember that there's always a room for a change. So find a room for a change and correct whatever you've done wrong.

hmmm so that's all folks...

Sleepless Night

"Have you ever cried in the middle of the night...

Nobody hears you,

Nobody comforts you,

Nobody...

Except you and your pillows...

i just did..."

[untitled]

I don't have much to tell this day. Aside from the fact that we've talked for awhile. Hay! Can somebody pls help me tell him that I wasn't talking about Cris on my last blog entry. It was all about him! Argh! I don't know if he's playing a game on me, I'm sure he knows that I was talking about him on that blog entry, but how come he is sort of denying that he knows it and keeps on telling me that its Cris blah blah! Oh My! I don't know what to do! Should I tell him about that? No!!!! I can't I'm scared!

How Cruel Of Me...

I hate it! I just lied to him. I didn't told him that I was really waiting for him, that's why I made myself busy and stay up a bit late in my time last night hoping he'll be on...

It was sunday morning here, and I saw him online. We had a small chat and that's it. When he's about to go he said "sorry" and I asked him "why"? he told me because "You were hoping I'll be on tonight, but I have to go quickly..." (it wasn't the exact words he said but it was sort of like that) I immediately told him that it wasn't him that I was talking about in my status message in facebook. Oh my! I don't know why I denied the fact that he was really the one I was pertaining to in that status message. I really felt so bad about it. I wanted to tell him out loud that "Yes, I am waiting for you", but I didn't! How come when it comes to him I'm so weak and fragile.

I'm scared he'll find out that I'm starting to like him. It's really weird because I don't know anything much about him. I don't understand myself why am I feeling this way for him. I'm not sure if this is true and if it is I hope this will be forever, until forever ends. I'm just not sure if he likes me that way that's why I'll rather keep this feeling from him. Unless he's the one who gets to open up about this. yaY! (Stop dreamin' Kylie!)

I super like him! He's way far better than _ _ _ _. I'm sure of it! He is a good guy! That's how I see him. He completes my day! Yeah! seriously!

oh well... I'd better stop here...

"Wise men said only fools rush in... But I can't help fallin' in love with you..."

"A thousand pair of eyes may speak of overwhelming admiration over you and sometimes, it could be flattering, sometimes it draws a smile on your face. But at the end of the day, no matter how many people express such adoration, you'd still want to be with that person who doesn't only see you as someone to be praised, but someone who, despite seeing your weaknesses, still embraces and kisses you and shares your laughter and pains...Six billion people and all you need is one.." ^_^

till my next blog...

:)

I Think I want one... but...

I was browsing the net and I saw this cute pic... It's a Yorkshire Terrier. Isn't cute? I want one!!! But I'm scared of dogs. Yah! Seriously! I super don't feel at ease when there's a dog wandering around. The reason behind it, I was bitten by a dog way back. However, I know that someday I could overcome this anxiety I have for dogs. Haha yah! I think by owning one is the solution.

So to my beloved friends if you do have a dog with this kind of breed... can I have one? for free? I'll take it as a birthday present and a christmas gift too!!! haha isn't great?

love you guyz!!! it'll be a help! really!!! hahaha

:)

Beautiful & Pretty

I'm always thankful whenever somebody told me that I'm BEAUTIFUL rather than PRETTY. Why? Hmmm okay! I'll dig deeper into it. Actually I got this idea from my best friend, and I've realized that yeah she's right! I'd rather be called BEAUTIFUL. So I made a little research to support the idea.

What was the difference between BEAUTIFUL and PRETTY? If you'll look at the dictionary you may find that Pretty is one of the synonyms of Beautiful. However, Pretty may be use to construct a negative statement.

Beautiful is more likely describing the inside-out beauty of a person, while Pretty is more aptly depicting the physical beauty.

I hope I get that clear. :)

House for Sale?

My 3rd blog for the day...

We are selling our house because of some personal reason. Only my super close friends knows why. Oh well, I just hope that before the 1st half of the year somebody will buy our house. Seriously, I'm not sure if this is right, I just remember what Johnny has told me yesterday... "there is no right nor wrong decision". I don't want to leave our house, that's a fact. This is the place where I spent almost 20 years of my life. However, this is the only way to continue our life. Probably if you are good in guessing you might know now why we have to sell our house. But I bet you won't find the real reason behind, not unless you will have the courage to ask it from me.

Where was I? oh yeah! so as I was saying... All the nice and the not-so nice moments of my life was spent here in our house. I seriously need a miracle to be able to save our house at the same time our lives! Before it's too late...

I really can't imagine things have to end up this way. A lot of life challenges are on our way. And sometimes you have to sacrifice something in order to continue life.

Oh my! what a stressor!

:(

Work

The other day I found a quote about work. It says:

" I don't like work, but what I like about work is the chance to know my myself..."

I forgot the man behind those words but I find it amzing. It is true! I find myself getting attached to this quote. I myself doesn't like work. I've tried working before and I find myself quitting. Not because I'm no good for that job, but because I don't find myself in that job. So I'd rather quit, than keep moving without being on the track.


I'm not looking for a high paying job. I just want to find myself enjoying the job that I will be landing on in the near future. I want to find a job that will suit my personality, where I will find self-improvements, and a job where I could find the passion of working.

Thursday Morning...

I woke up so early just like the other days, but the thing is I don't have a duty today. So here, I am online once again and blogging. Yesterday, I was trying to write something, but too bad I'm experiencing a writer's block that's why I couldn't finish that blog entry. I just saved it as a draft, probably I'll post it once I get to think of an ending to that post.

Today, a lot of thoughts are coming into my mind... "my desires in life"... I'll talk about this one by one...

[+] Playing Piano: When I was in high school, I used to go for a Piano class near our house. I attended several session but then I stopped. Why? because I just can't find time in my busy schedule. I will continue it anyway, after my graduation next year. I think its a good way of releasing tension when your playing an instrument, so yeah I will continue my piano class. I remember that my teacher told me that I'm a fast learner, yay! that means its not too late for me to learn it.

[+] To be a writer/director: I discover my writing talent when I was in grade school. I've written a script for a classroom play. And then in high school, with the help of Kuya Efren (he wrote the script) I've directed a classroom play. And in college, I've also made a script base on a story for the theater festival and also became one of the director. So yeah, I like to write something depending on my mood. But to be specific I want to write scripts for a play. And I also wanted to have my own book. Hopefully, in the near future I could have written one.

[+] Photography : I super love cameras! I love photos! I want to be the model or the person behind the camera. I would also like to enter a photography class if I were given a chance, but I think its quite expensive. So, probably i won't ever get the chance to attend a class anyway. :(

[+] Singer/Dancer/Actress : Yeah! I love to sing, dance & above all act. I would love to join a formal class about this but once again I don't have money so I won't be able to attend one. Therefore, I just have to join our school activities so that I could practice and develop my talent (if i really do have talent). :p

[+] To be a Disc Jock (DJ) : I just realized that I want to be one when I started listening to RX Monster Radio. I find the DJ thing a cool stuff. Yeah! So I want to be one someday! :) Who knows I might get the chance to be one. :)

[+] To be a chef of my own kitchen : My mom and my sister is good when it comes to cooking. I know how to cook but then compared to them, I'm still no good. That maybe is the reason behind why I studied so hard and be my best in technology class, which is Food trades. Wherein, I became the Best in Food Trades for 3 consecutive years in high school. I wanted to prove that I can be like my mom and sister who cooks delicious foods. Nowadays, I don't cook not unless I'm alone and I have no choice but to cook my own food. :)

[+] To drive my own car : I don't have a car of my own, but hopefully once I have my own job I'll buy one. I know its so "mababaw" to be one of my desires. But you know I find it cool seeing a woman drive whether its a motorcycle or a car, or a truck. I wanted to ask my brother to teach me how to drive since he has a car, but I bet he won't teach me because he'll be thinking na "magagasgasan ko yung car niya".

[+] To be an Operating Room Nurse/ Dialysis Nurse/ Anesthetist Nurse/Psychiatric Nurse : If i have to specialized in Nursing, that is any from above mention. It's not because of the high pay that I could earn, but rather because it is my passion. It's the area I find myself most interested with. I find myself enjoying the area no matter how challenging it is to be there.

[+] To be a Surgeon : For me, the real doctors are surgeons. You cut and you suture. You really save lives! If ever I'll get to earn extra money, I will pursue my dreams of becoming a surgeon. Actually, I was inspired to be one whenever I watched Grey's Anatomy and when I was assigned at the OR. Oh shocks! I remember Dr. G! the surgeon that I super crush! Anyway, I find it amazing and exciting whenever I get to assist in one of the operations. It is bloody red! but seeing the internal organs of a human being is something interesting to learn, not everyone is given a chance to see one for real. :)

Oh well... that's all folks! till here!

keep reading my blog to know the different side of Me!

xoxo

:)

ky's in LOve?

"a weird feeling...
something I shoudn't entertain...
I shouldn't consider my feelings for him..."


Lately, I promised myself to fall in love no more. Awhile ago, a good friend asked if I do fall easily. It hits me, and I answered 'YES'. There's nothing to hide about it, KYLIE falls in love easily. He said right into me that it's no good. Well, yah! Basically, I knew it. I knew what will happen in the end, it's worth trying. How can I help it, this is me. I just love to love,and I'm not afraid to LOVE. I also knew that 'when you love, expect to be hurt... ' That's the basic thing I've learned about love. "You bleed just to know you're ALIVE..." (Iris)

Oh! I just remember a quote...

" to love someone doesn't mean to COMMIT with that person... sometimes you just have to be satisfied with whatever connection you have with that special someone..."

I am pretty much sticking to that quote until now. It's not necessary for me to be in a relationship whenever I fall for someone, the mere fact that I'm talking to him or being with him makes me feel allot better than having nothing at all. the craziest thing I've done when I really like someone is that I tell right infront of him that I LIKE HIM! and I guess running into the basement is one of the crazy things. But then no matter how stupid I was for doing that, at the end I've learned! I've learned that next time I shouldn't be doing those things for someone I like. Let them do their part! *wink*

And now, with no other statement to be said.... I admit I've fallen for him!

He is not Cris! My story with Cris probably end up at the basement of the hospital! He is way better than Cris! That's all I know. He appreciates me a lot and it gives me allot of confidence to face the world.

However, this special sentiments that I have for him will never be voice out. And I will make sure that I will keep this from him forever... Because, first, I know that he doesn't feel the same for me, second... I'm tired!~ If ever, there will come a point in our life that this person will love me, well I just hope that he'll say it out loud... I'll be just right here, waiting...

And if ever! just in case he'll get to read this blog...

>>> ' i've come here not to make you love me, but to let you feel that your so much worth LoVing... ' <<<

I was blessed for God lead me the way to you... yay!


another quote before I end this blog entry...

" one cannot question the existence of feelings.
they are there, raw and undeniable.
but one can choose not to nurture what is felt ---
yet no matter what they say,
what has been felt will always be more honest that what was chosen..." ~anonymous~

^_^

Thinking of Cris

I wonder why I'm always thinking of him. Sabi nila kapag daw naiisip mo yung isang tao, naiisip ka din daw nito. Pero in my case, I don't think that he was also thinking of me. I super liked Cris from the very start. And up until now, I'm still hoping for a miracle! a miracle na maging kami!!! waaa!!! AS IF!!! I think he doesn't like me, the way I like him. We had so much differences, and one thing I found common sa amin eh yung course namin which is NURSING. Oh pati the passion for music!

For those people who doesn't know Cris in my life. Siya yung guy I met sa myyearbook. And then after 3 months we decided to finally met up in person. But then after the day we met up, natigil na yung communication namin. I really don't know why! Probably, he doesn't like me etc. But napaka MEAN naman niya kung yun yung reason why he's avoiding me dba! That was January nung nag meet kami... and after 2 1/2 months, God answered my prayer! Nagkita kami accidentally in a place and time na I don't really expect seeing him. It was the 1st day of immersion sa tapat ng school namin, 5:30 in the morning!!! At first, hindi ako makapaniwala na siya yung nakita kong dumaan, that's why I had to follow him hanggang sa basement nung hospital (where he is currently having his training, which is my based hospital naman) para lang makasigurado na I wasn't having hallucinations. And BOOM! when i called his name, lumingon siya. Sa sobrang tuwa ko seeing him, hindi ko alam yung sasabihin ko. Oh well, we didn't talked much, siguro mga 3 minutes lang kami nakapag-usap!!! and that was the best 3 minutes ever!!! Kaya nga habang nasa immersion ako medyo inspired ako kasi nakita ko siya. Sayang kasi sandali lang kami nakapag-usap.

I hope God will let our fate meet again, and by that time sana makausap ko siya ng matagal and makasama ng matagal.


Seriously, I'm trying to forget him na kasi nasasaktan ako thinking that he doesn't like me. Pero what can I do, I'm too weak when it comes to HEART matter. I always follow what my heart is beating for. Siya kasi yung guy na opposite ng mga qualities I'm looking for, except for the fact na chinito siya. EwAn ko ba! I think it was fate na magkakilala kami.

I wanted to know what he thinks of me, hay! i'm thinking of impossible! Siguro, dun lang ako titigil once I figured it out.

For now, I'll try to be contented browsing his pics sa facebook and friendster niya. :)

Back from Immersion

I just got back from the immersion. I can't believe it that I survived the two weeks in a not so familiar place. Looking back, I think I wouldn't survived that two weeks without my groupmates and friends. A lot of things had happened in two weeks time. I can't imagine that I've just done the things I'm not usually doing at home, like cleaning the CR, surrounding, room, washing the dishes, etc. I even ate the foods I don't feel like eating.

The immersion learning experience was something different. The setup of learning is not inside the classroom nor the hospital setup, its within the community, to be specific a community that is less fortunate. Its a community nursing actually.

However, in our immersion, we also had the chance to tour in a place where the people are forgotten and hated. I'm not talking about the cemetery! I don't know how to describe that place in a nice way... We had the chance to tour the NBP (NEW BILIBID PRISON), if you don't know that place it is found in Muntinlupa City. It is where the criminals are kept. We had the chance to see what's inside the NBP. We went inside the maximum, and medium and their museum plus we went to the Lethal Injection room, it is the exact place where the criminals are punished death lethally. We had a chance to mingle with the prisoners in the medium but not in the maximum. They even had a small program prepared for us. Seriously, those people inside are sort of harmless. But at first, I'm really really scared because of the fact that they have done somethings that is harmful. At the end of the tour I've realized that people had a chance to change, although it is known that whatever they've done from the past cannot be corrected... All they can do is to change for the better and not to commit the same mistakes again and again. In the lethal injection room, it gives me a creep. Seeing the exact place where they killed the criminals via lethal injection.

Oh well, till here... I'll just continue this post some other day... I'm quite tired...

Expectations

A lot of people puts so much expectation on me. They see me as somebody, that I don't really see in myself. I'm very unpredictable, and that's for sure. I felt flattered having all those expectations on me, but behind that I asked myself, will I be able to meet those expectations? Every time I tried to meet those expectations, I don't feel being myself. Because I don't see the things they were trying to let me see. Although, I feel happy in meeting their expectations, that happiness is not a "TRUE" one. Why? I don't know either. I still felt something is missing.

Right now, I think I failed some of their expectations on me. I feel sad, but I don't feel bad at all. I just want to be me without those expectations. And I guess, I'm much better without all those expectations.

The reasons why I don't want to expect too much on me, because first, I don't want to feel bad every time I won't be able to achieve what I want. And second, it feels great when you received something you didn't anticipate at all.

I don't want expectations from others, rather I want to live in my own set of expectations. So that I don't have to mind their feelings about it. The guilt will always be mine.

Expectations for me is somehow synonymous to goals or aspiration. Why? When you set a goal for yourself, you somehow expect that you will be able to achieve it in the near future, right? So, I'm not saying I don't expect something on me. I still have my list of self-expectations, however those expectations of mine are attainable and is not beyond my capacity.

My 8 Major Stressors....

How will I start this? (FYI: This is arranged from lowest to highest factor that stresses me)

Oh well... Since the start of this school year 2008-2009, I was in a major stress. There are a lot of changes that confronts my capacity being a student and as a young adult. The very first thing that stresses me was being a section one student. I know its really something to be proud of , but behind that a lot of pressure was on you, since many people are expecting too much on us. I'm a kind of student who is not really a grade conscious, as in SERIOUSLY! If you know what I mean! I believe that I don't go to school to compete for grades but to learn as much as I could. When it comes to studies, I just do whatever I feel like doing. If I don't feel studying my lesson I won't but if I feel like reading I will. That's me, my action really depends on my mood. Since then, I never consider myself as the smartest nor the brightest student, I believe that everyone was given a functioning brain and it depends on you on how will you use it.

2nd, that stresses me this year was being a part of the quiz bee team of our school, we call ourselves as the chosen three. I never expected to be part of that, but I guess it was all fate. I was not the one who competed on the competition, but at least I was a part of the training. The training was really stressful, I swear!

The 3rd thing that stresses me, was being chosen as the President of one of the organization in our school.

4th, being the crowned Ms. OLGC/Nursing. Why? well, its pretty much unexplainable. hahaha But seriously, I feel a lot of pressure!

5th, my grades! This part! oh well, this year I'm quite happy-go-lucky! or should I say in layman's term "petiks". I said awhile ago, I'm not a grade conscious, I'm not! But what I mean here is that my grades is quite low compared to the previous years. And I sort of misses some lessons because I cannot focus my attention on the lesson, and worst, I go to class without reading my lessons. I depend mostly on the discussions.

6th, My love life... This is something I'm not really in a rush. It just stresses me the fact that every time I get to like somebody, that person doesn't feel the same for me, and somehow when somebody likes me I turn them down, since I don't like him. I just hope I won't be an old maid! hahaha

7th, family problems. Right now we are facing a financial crisis and a lot more other than money!

8th, myself! my self-expectations stresses me!


So here it is, my 8 lists of stressors.

In Season Surname?

It's really odd and I don't feel fine every time I get to hear or see his surname around wherever I go. I know for a fact that his surname exist for a very long time. I'm doing my best to forget him, but how come it seems like the more I attempt to forget him, there's always something that reminds me of him.

To think that his surname is not very common before I met him. Or probably, I only see what my mind chooses to see? (Da Vinci Code)

Now, I can't help but think... Is his surname in season?

Happy Endings?

This is a response to a friend who is asking me last night if love story from movies really does have a happy endings.

Well, it sure does! If you'll notice most romantic movies end up happily. Only a few romantic movies end up in a tragic way or somehow the lead characters doesn't end up together, one good example is My Best Friend's Wedding and Somewhere in Time.

This may sound bitter for some but I guess happy endings doesn't really exists in the real world. We all know that the end of everything here on earth is DEATH. Come to think of this, are there people who celebrates when one dies? So therefore, there is no happy endings, because all our ending are meant to be sad.

There will always be a happy moments in our life, and everything has an end. And when your happy moment ends its not an happy-ending, keep that in mind. Does anyone in the world who wants their happiness to end? of course none! I myself doesn't want my happiness to end.


In love, even if you get married to the person you love and who loves you its not an happy ending. Because in time your love for each other is tested by fate.

In life, there are so many trials we human beings will have to encounter in our way to success and once we succeed on getting what we've always want, its still not an happy endings. Because there are still a lot of challenges that awaits us.

Happiness is a state of mind or feeling such as contentment, satisfaction, pleasure, or joy. (wikipedia). There are so many definitions for that word from different approaches, but for me happiness is being contented on whatever things you've had. People may say they were happy but deep inside are they truly happy? Lack of contentment is one reason why most people here on earth doesn't become happy for a long period time. I cannot blame this people, because even I myself is aiming for a higher level once I get to reach one of my goals.

Oh well, when you really feel happy, you must treasure that chance because you'll never know when will it end.

I Turn To You

This blog entry is for my dearest best friend Maryann Constantino aka MEAN. The reason why I'm writing this because I want her to know how thankful I am because I was blessed having her. She was not just a best friend for me, but rather she is my sister.

We've became friends since the start of our class, the very first class we had in 1st year college. I met her on the day of the entrance exam and I never knew that fate will let us met again. On the interview day, again I met her and her mom. And I was really surprised about it, the third time I met her was the first day of class. I was surprised that she was my classmate! I actually didn't expect that we will be classmates. Oh well, from that day on we became friends, the rest was history. All I know is that we were fated to become best friends forever! :)

Mean, as most people knew her was a simple, shy, quiet, introvert, smart, funny, beautiful, demure girl. But there is more about her, when you get the chance to be with her every single day. Haha yes, EVERY SINGLE DAY! Since the start of 3rd year, we are together every single day sometimes even Sundays! Oh pls! don't think one of us is lesbian! The reason why were together every single day, is that we awere group mates in almost all the groupings, why? because our surnames starts with the same letters!

Back to my story...

She was very sweet, thoughtful, loving friend. She is always there for you whenever i feel down. And she never misses a day to make me laugh when I'm having a bad day.

In 3 years of our friendship, we've been through a lot of ups and downs. But we only had a few misunderstanding days. Usually, at the end of the day whatever conflict we had it is settled.

I know her more compared to others, but seriously she still has a lot of things in mind that she wanted to say but cannot really utter it in words.

They say that true friends shares secret with each other right? we've shared a lot of secrets with each other, but when it comes to her secrets I still have to convince her on revealing it to me because she is somewhat reserved. She will just say her secrets once she feels like telling it.

I get used to her, that's all I know. Because there is this days that she was really moody etc.

Me and Mean are two different individuals but we get to work with our differences. But you know somehow, we really have something in common.

She was also one of the reason why I was not giving up on some things. She gives me courage to keep on moving, even if sometimes I wanted to end things up. I know she may not notice it, but she was an angel in disguise. She saves me most of the time.

The space here is not really enough to narrate everything about our friendship.

Oh well, Mean, if you are reading this.... THANK YOU so MUCH dude! I hope our friendship will never last. Thank you for making me feel like one of your family. You know what I'm talking about. And I want you to know that, no matter what happens in the coming days I will always be here for you. You can count on me! And always keep in mind that you were not alone! hahaha (LSS)


Xie Xie MEan!

Something about the blog I couldn't end up

I was writing up something before this blog. Too bad I cannot find the right words to end up that blog. I guess, I'll just have to post it once I'm in the mood to finish it up. It's pretty much a long story about a guy who just dumped me. Oh! the word "dumped" is too exaggerating but I really can't find the best word to describe what really happened between us. If it isn't dumping? then what in the world could it possibly be?

A thought just came to me right now, probably the reason why I couldn't find the words to finish up that blog is that I'm not yet ready to end up on what we've had just started.

I really really felt sad, depressed, and anxious about it.

It was just weird that after what had happened, here I am still hoping that one of these coming days, he will send me a message asking me out blah blah. Damn it! No matter how hard I try not to think of him, I just found myself thinking of him reminiscing all the good talks that we've shared.

When will this stop? I don't want to end things in this way.

Mr. DJ

I love music, and music is my passion. But I was never a fan of radio thing, until one day I met this guy name Gino Q. He hosted the event of our school last December 21, 2008. That night, I never knew that he will be hosting the event. I saw him somewhere at the corner of the venue reading something, he looks so innocent and very mysterious. The moment I saw him I was immediately love struck, need I say more? I never get the chance to approach him or something that time because I was busy preparing for the pageant, since I was one of the contestants.

At the start of the program he introduced himself and of course at that time I found out that he was a DJ, well no wonder his voice was so alluring. Before, I thought that people who are gifted with good voice are not good-looking. However, that very moment my perception was changed. Well, but I'm exceptional because I believed that I'm gifted with both. hahaha Anyway, as I was saying, he is one of the exceptionals because like me, he was gifted with good voice and a good personality.

Seriously, I never get the chance to listen to the radio station that he was currently working. So I never really knew him at all.

After the event, he passed by in front of me. And I don't know what to do or something since my friends and I are having a lot of pictures taking here and there since I got the title. Anyway, I left my friends for awhile and went in front of Gino and asked him to have a picture with me. He was approachable that's what I've realized that time. So we had a picture together and after that I thanked him. I wanted to chat with him a bit but I have no idea what topic should I talked about, so that's it. And then he was on his way home.

After that night, I still can't stop thinking about him. I wanted to know more about him, but how? Oh well, the next days I started listening to radio and always tune in to the station that he was working. I even searched his profile on friendster and added him up, I also open up the website of the radio station just to know more about him. And of course, I promised myself that I won't stop until the time comes that I will be able to get a chance to talk to him and be friends with him.

No matter how late his radio program was, I'm always tune in. Requesting songs, greeting friends, joining the radio games and etc.

I'm so inspired every time I get to hear his voice on air. His voice was so magical.

Actually, recently I saw him hosting the advance screening of the Confessions of a Shopaholic. He was right there in front of me, I was about to approached him and say hi, but I never had the guts to do so because he was with some friends. Well particularly some girl friends, and I don't know if one of them was his girlfriend. And I felt so bad, argh! But of course I'm still thankful because I get to see him for the second time. I just hope that the next time I will see him, he will be alone.

I'm not sure, if this is love or what. All I know is that I'm happy even just the thought of him. And I'm praying that one day, he will also recognized me being me not just one of the listeners of his radio program.

My First Blog

Finally, after so many years I have my blog here. I'm not really good in writings, however, I wanted to put into words the things on my mind. Somehow it relieves me from stress.