Betrayal

So this is how it feels like being betrayed by a friend…

How would you feel if the person whom you considered a friend dated the guy you dated before?

I know I don't have the right to be mad because there was never really an "us" in the first place. But then I know that my friend is aware that I still like that guy, and I even shared almost everything about that guy to her. And then all of a sudden I would hear from her that he dated that guy!

All this time akala ko fate yung dahilan kung bakit parati ko nakikita si "C" sa tapat ng school, yun pala tinitxt lang nung friend ko!

Naaasar ako sa ginawa niya. Pinagkatiwalaan ko siya tapos eto pa yung makukuha ko! Seriously, right now I don't know kung maibabalik ko pa yung TRUST ko sa kanya. At natatakot na ko magpakilala sa kanya ng guy na I like since this might happen again. All this time I thought nagbago na siya, yun pala pati sa akin gagawin niya din yun. Ngayon naniniwala na ako na kapag gusto niya yung guy gagawin niya lahat mapasa kanya lang, and it doesn't matter to her kahit may kaibigan siyang masasaktan.

And all I get is SORRY? Ano gagawin ko sa sorry niya? Nangyari na ang kinatatakutan ko. Its nonsense!

Right now I'm quite confused. Why on earth does she have to tell me all those things? If she can keep it to herself naman? I think there's something going on between them.

Upon hearing everything from her, I thought wala lang sa akin. Pero later on, I felt so betrayed of what had happened.

Hindi ako galit sa kanya, pero galit ako sa ginawa niya. She doesn't even considered our friendship… especially the TRUST I gave her.

Habang sinasabi niya sa akin lahat, I was observing her. And she can't look straightly into my eyes. CRAP! And she was saying na kaya niya sinabi sa akin lahat ng yun kasi friend niya ko! Pero hindi man lang niya naisip na FRIEND niya ko nung nag DATE sila!

I don't know, pero right now I can't take what she did to me. It was really hard kasi parati kami magkasama sa duty and lectures. So perhaps I can get along with her professionally, pero as a friend katulad ng dati where TRUST is involve, mukhang Malabo na.

Napaka babaw para pagawayan ang isang lalaki, grabe! Kaya hindi ko siya inaway or something when she told me this things. Pero you can't blame me kung hindi ko na maibabalik yung trust ko sa kanya. I've had enough! Magsama sila kung dun sila Masaya!

 

No Boyfriend Since Birth

"I'm not looking for one person to love. I'm not deliberately looking anymore. But my eyes are wide open for many lovable persons out there who are equally capable of giving me love. "– Claire Betita (No Boyfriend Since Birth)

While reading the pocketbook entitled No Boyfriend Since Birth by Claire Betita, I find myself dipping into the personality of Rudie, which is the main character in the novel. We were sort of riding the same boat. I'm kind of feeling self-pity that I don't have anybody to call mine. I know, I'm still young but then it is in the human nature that when you reach the age of early adult you feel like looking for somebody to be with, I'm not talking about the social relationship but more on the intimate one of course.

When I asked my family or friends, they kept on saying that there's nothing wrong with me. As a matter of fact, they never failed to tell me that I'm pretty, smart, cute, lovable, etc. But I can't help but wonder why can't I be liked by the guys I like? I guess guys nowadays are blind or perhaps insensitive.

I am surrounded by a lot of adorable guys but it seems like none of them are interested in me. Do you know how bad I felt about that? It's like I do not exist, it's like I'm invisible at all.

Oh my I can't help but feel like wallowing! There is this instance I ever think and done going blind dates, ask guys out, and hang out at a place with guy-heavy traffic. But none of them really works.

If I have to define the term BOYFRIEND in my perspective, it's an intimate relationship not less than a month of commitment to each other. I haven't been committed to anyone. Most of my relationships with guys are just flings. And I want more serious than that. I've learned that flings are just temporary and it was just for fun and when you fall for that person you were flinging with, you only have a few chance of hope that you two will go to the next level. And since a fling is having no commitment at all, anytime the guy would just drop you off leaving you half-empty and then you'll see him flirting with another woman.

I always tell myself that I know how to play the game, but then at the end I always find myself a loser, because I cried tons of tears every time I was left out hanging. But then even if I lose I also win a lesson from it. So its true that when you lose you also win. I just hope that it won't be to late for love to come my way.

For now I won't rush things to fall into places. I have to enjoy & learn for the "meantime".

'ok lang naman na walang magsabi sa akin ng "i love you", pwede ko naman sabihin I LOVE MYSELF, Ingat ako, kumain na ba ako'... haha ^_^

The Last Token

Wherever I go, I always carry with me a token. I kept it inside the side pocket of my cell phone casing. When my friends borrow my phone, they always notice that token. So they begin asking me a question about that token. The usual answer I gave them back is that, 'it's something that reminds me of a friend.'

As far as I could remember, we've used that token for a karaoke machine. I had kept two tokens with me, but I lost the other one. So I'm trying to keep the last token safe.

Some people might find that token ordinary, but for me that is priceless. The place where I got that token is somewhere in manila. That was the first time I went to that kind of place, and I have no idea when would I get back to that place again.

I'm looking forward to use that last token with the same person I'm with the last time I went there, and I'm keeping it for a final song with him.

I'm not sure if things would turn out to something I want, but then that last token signifies my last chance to prove something to that person. I believe that there is this 50% possibility that things would work out just fine, and the other 50% is the opposed of the first possibility. But whatever happens I would still love to use that last token against all odds with him.

Moving Mountain

Why is moving on that tough? Can somebody pls explicate this to me? Why do I have to see the person who brings me heartache all over again? They say everything ensues for a reason, right? So, seeing him out of the blue could mean, what?

I'll be hypocrite if I would say that I'm not in high spirits seeing him around, the fact is I truly am, whenever he is right next to me. But somehow I feel a bit gauche about it.

We never get to talk to each other nowadays and it hurts a lot when he's there right in front of me and it seems like he's not happy seeing me around.

However, the same old feelings are coming back whenever I see him. Darn! I'm such a fool because I like him that much.

:(

Today Conversation with "J"

I won't make the story long...

Well he keeps on bugging me why I liked him, me on the otherhand cannot explain the reason behind it. Argh! I don't know naman talaga! It wasn't about physical attraction and I'm very sure of it, since "hindi pa kami nagkikita personally". *sigh* If I do have the answers to his question sasagutin ko naman eh. I mean there's nothing to hide naman. Basta all I know I'm happy talking to him and my friends are my witness, because they can tell that I'm really happy.

*sigh Sigh sigh* Bakit nga kaya?

He finds it funny, because I LIKED him so fast... erRR ano magagawa ko eh yun yung feeling ko eh!

On our conversation he also asked me if ever I had my heart broken? well, napaisip tuloy ako... When do you say that your heart broken? When was the last time somebody broke my heart? Is it really broken? For me kasi heart broken is something like the person you like doesn't like you the way you liked him/her, wherein you feel rejected etc... That was broken hearted for me. Hmm the last guy who broke my heart was "C"... I really felt bad about it, but I have to move on and even though things doesn't work up the way I wanted it to be, I'm still happy because at least nagtagpo ang aming landas!!! haha tagalog na tagalog. I never regret knowing him.

As for "J", your saying that you don't fall easily even if you like the girl right? Well, does it mean you sort of like me but not attached? Don't worry I'm not asking you to fall for me anyway... Lets just enjoy whatever there is for us, right? That's something I've learned from my past experience, enjoy the next good thing! And if you don't like me, just say it so ok? I'll rather hear the truth than a lie. (as if naman he's reading this eh noh? haha)

^_^

A Gracious Day!

First and simplest reason why I find this day gracious kasi nagising pa ako from a very deep sleep, which means God has given me another chance to live.

Second....

>>> All my loved ones are all safe...

Third....

>>> It was my daily routine to check my emails and log in to my yahoo messenger and check who among my friends are online. I was surprised that my good friend "LOLO J" was online. That wasn't his real name of course its just my alias for him, para naman mysterious ang dating. Haha So, we chat for a couple of minutes and then I log out na since I still have my duty and I have to leave the house at 5:30am. Talking to "Lolo J" brightens my day, yeah seriously! Dunno why, but I guess it just proves that I really like him, though we haven't seen each other in person. Could it be possible? Well, I guess it is possible in my case. haha It's weird how I wish he likes me too or at least misses my presence. LOL

Fourth...

>>> I've seen once again my groupmates who are very dear to me. I misses them a lot since we haven't seen each other for 3 weeks. So I'm glad kasi sama-sama na naman kami for this rotation. Kumpleto na naman ang "Group 1 celebs!" naks!!!

Fifth...

>>> "Mr. C" was our built-in Clinical Instructor!!! that's not his real name, I won't publish it here. Of course my groupmates knows him, so ok na yun na sila lang nag nakaka-alam. Not unless mapilit kayo at pilitin niyo ako na sabihin sa inyo kung sino si "Mr. C" haha. So ayun, I'm so happy kasi I had a crush on him before, kaso that time he wasn't handling us but now he was! So nagulat ako seeing him! haha with this, sakto my NSD so ako yung assist, and my gosh another humiliating moment for me, he was asking "sino yung assist" and my friend "L" answered " si kylie po" and medyo tinulak niya ako ng kaunti and I said " ako po Sir"... and then sabi ni "Mr. C", "name?" ako naman parang nabingi at hindi ko naintindihan yung sinabi niya and inulit niya ulit yung tanong niya sabi niya " name mo? nakalimutan mo na?" (parang natatawa siya) arghhh! tapos dun lang ako natauhan na he was asking my name kasi nga naman he's the one grading us! arghhh so sinabi ko name ko tapos I gigled pero pa-cute na gigle! hahaha (LANDI) so basta ayun na he was beside me and his hands are on my shoulder tapos pushing me papunta sa sterile area. NAKS! KILIG NA KILIG ako! shocks! haha kay tagal kong hinintay ang oras na yun! LOL so ayun! During the NSD, he also went beside me pero he was checking the contraction of the uterus, basta ang mahalaga andun siya sa tabi ko! haha tapos after the NSD, so the usual thing > "cleaning time". So since I was the assist, I have to wash the instruments at the back. So sabi ni Mr. C, "Pikihugasan na lang yung mga instruments dun sa may Mumu".... eh since I'm scared of ghosts sabi ko "SIR NAMAN!" haha tapos natawa siya sabi niya "sige basta pag may nakita ka or something takbo ka na lang" and then he giggle. Bibiruin ko sana eh, sasabihin ko sana "samahan niyo naman ako", kaso hindi ko nasabi kasi duh PROFESSIONAL STUDENT NURSE ako! *wink*. So I went at the back to wash the instruments, seriously natatakot ako but I pretend that I'm matapang! hehe I was really praying while washing the instruments para hindi magpakita kung ano man ang meron dun. Tapos a little later Mr. C checked on me for awhile kung kamusta na ang ginagawa ko. And siyempre medyo nagtanong ako "Sir san po ito ilalagay after" haha para medyo tumagal siya dun. haha kanya kanyang deskarte lang yan as they say! *wink*.

Pero may napansin ako ah, feeling ko kasi tinitignan niya ako when I went to the station to copy the diagnosis, ewan ko feeling ko lang naman un. Nyay! KILIG to the BONES!



So that's the 5 reasons why this day is very GRACIOUS!!!

Pero at the end of the day ang nasa isip ko pa din si "Lolo J", I can't explain much about how I feel for him pero basta siya yung naiisip ko eh. Haha hmmm baka he was thinking of me too. LOL

Some facts lang before I end this up:

"Girls have innumerable CRUSHES but their hearts only belong to ONE guy..."

& "Guys may be flirting all day but beore they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly love about..."

^_^

Argh!!!

I just wanted to share something. How come some guys flirts a lot even though they already have a girlfriend. It pisses me off!!!

If he thinks na sasakyan ko yung mga FLIRTING strategies niya! Excuse me!!! Sorry siya! Hindi na ko patay na patay sa kanya! Kaasar! ASSUMING ah!

By the way I'm not talking about "chinito", I'm talking about "my friendly neighbor" (Kilala niyo na ba?)

Mantra's

It's almost 1 in the morning here, and yet I still couldn't get myself to sleep. I'm so tired from the walking here and there but I don't feel sleepy at all. I just found myself opening the YouTube and searching for songs and then suddenly I'm surprised that I was typing in the search box "mantra/s".

My friend Mara used this topic for her teaching demo on our Strategy class last semester, and we even do the "mantra" thing after the lecture. But some of my classmates didn't took the activity seriously that's why I was influenced and I'm sort of giggling while doing it in class. So here comes Johnny, a good friend of mine, who introduced the chanting thing. I remember when we watched together a YouTube mantra through yahoo chat, well this time I took the "mantra" thing more seriously and the feeling doing the mantra is gives me like a goose bumps yet relaxing your mind.

And I guess that's the reason why I'm doing the "mantra" thing now. I need to relax my mind from all the stresses. I need peace of mind at least before going to sleep so that I would have a very pleasant dreams.

Well, I'm gonna continue the chanting thing for a couple of minutes and then I'll go straight to bed na.

So yeah! goodMornYt!

zZz