Expectations

A lot of people puts so much expectation on me. They see me as somebody, that I don't really see in myself. I'm very unpredictable, and that's for sure. I felt flattered having all those expectations on me, but behind that I asked myself, will I be able to meet those expectations? Every time I tried to meet those expectations, I don't feel being myself. Because I don't see the things they were trying to let me see. Although, I feel happy in meeting their expectations, that happiness is not a "TRUE" one. Why? I don't know either. I still felt something is missing.

Right now, I think I failed some of their expectations on me. I feel sad, but I don't feel bad at all. I just want to be me without those expectations. And I guess, I'm much better without all those expectations.

The reasons why I don't want to expect too much on me, because first, I don't want to feel bad every time I won't be able to achieve what I want. And second, it feels great when you received something you didn't anticipate at all.

I don't want expectations from others, rather I want to live in my own set of expectations. So that I don't have to mind their feelings about it. The guilt will always be mine.

Expectations for me is somehow synonymous to goals or aspiration. Why? When you set a goal for yourself, you somehow expect that you will be able to achieve it in the near future, right? So, I'm not saying I don't expect something on me. I still have my list of self-expectations, however those expectations of mine are attainable and is not beyond my capacity.

My 8 Major Stressors....

How will I start this? (FYI: This is arranged from lowest to highest factor that stresses me)

Oh well... Since the start of this school year 2008-2009, I was in a major stress. There are a lot of changes that confronts my capacity being a student and as a young adult. The very first thing that stresses me was being a section one student. I know its really something to be proud of , but behind that a lot of pressure was on you, since many people are expecting too much on us. I'm a kind of student who is not really a grade conscious, as in SERIOUSLY! If you know what I mean! I believe that I don't go to school to compete for grades but to learn as much as I could. When it comes to studies, I just do whatever I feel like doing. If I don't feel studying my lesson I won't but if I feel like reading I will. That's me, my action really depends on my mood. Since then, I never consider myself as the smartest nor the brightest student, I believe that everyone was given a functioning brain and it depends on you on how will you use it.

2nd, that stresses me this year was being a part of the quiz bee team of our school, we call ourselves as the chosen three. I never expected to be part of that, but I guess it was all fate. I was not the one who competed on the competition, but at least I was a part of the training. The training was really stressful, I swear!

The 3rd thing that stresses me, was being chosen as the President of one of the organization in our school.

4th, being the crowned Ms. OLGC/Nursing. Why? well, its pretty much unexplainable. hahaha But seriously, I feel a lot of pressure!

5th, my grades! This part! oh well, this year I'm quite happy-go-lucky! or should I say in layman's term "petiks". I said awhile ago, I'm not a grade conscious, I'm not! But what I mean here is that my grades is quite low compared to the previous years. And I sort of misses some lessons because I cannot focus my attention on the lesson, and worst, I go to class without reading my lessons. I depend mostly on the discussions.

6th, My love life... This is something I'm not really in a rush. It just stresses me the fact that every time I get to like somebody, that person doesn't feel the same for me, and somehow when somebody likes me I turn them down, since I don't like him. I just hope I won't be an old maid! hahaha

7th, family problems. Right now we are facing a financial crisis and a lot more other than money!

8th, myself! my self-expectations stresses me!


So here it is, my 8 lists of stressors.

In Season Surname?

It's really odd and I don't feel fine every time I get to hear or see his surname around wherever I go. I know for a fact that his surname exist for a very long time. I'm doing my best to forget him, but how come it seems like the more I attempt to forget him, there's always something that reminds me of him.

To think that his surname is not very common before I met him. Or probably, I only see what my mind chooses to see? (Da Vinci Code)

Now, I can't help but think... Is his surname in season?

Happy Endings?

This is a response to a friend who is asking me last night if love story from movies really does have a happy endings.

Well, it sure does! If you'll notice most romantic movies end up happily. Only a few romantic movies end up in a tragic way or somehow the lead characters doesn't end up together, one good example is My Best Friend's Wedding and Somewhere in Time.

This may sound bitter for some but I guess happy endings doesn't really exists in the real world. We all know that the end of everything here on earth is DEATH. Come to think of this, are there people who celebrates when one dies? So therefore, there is no happy endings, because all our ending are meant to be sad.

There will always be a happy moments in our life, and everything has an end. And when your happy moment ends its not an happy-ending, keep that in mind. Does anyone in the world who wants their happiness to end? of course none! I myself doesn't want my happiness to end.


In love, even if you get married to the person you love and who loves you its not an happy ending. Because in time your love for each other is tested by fate.

In life, there are so many trials we human beings will have to encounter in our way to success and once we succeed on getting what we've always want, its still not an happy endings. Because there are still a lot of challenges that awaits us.

Happiness is a state of mind or feeling such as contentment, satisfaction, pleasure, or joy. (wikipedia). There are so many definitions for that word from different approaches, but for me happiness is being contented on whatever things you've had. People may say they were happy but deep inside are they truly happy? Lack of contentment is one reason why most people here on earth doesn't become happy for a long period time. I cannot blame this people, because even I myself is aiming for a higher level once I get to reach one of my goals.

Oh well, when you really feel happy, you must treasure that chance because you'll never know when will it end.

I Turn To You

This blog entry is for my dearest best friend Maryann Constantino aka MEAN. The reason why I'm writing this because I want her to know how thankful I am because I was blessed having her. She was not just a best friend for me, but rather she is my sister.

We've became friends since the start of our class, the very first class we had in 1st year college. I met her on the day of the entrance exam and I never knew that fate will let us met again. On the interview day, again I met her and her mom. And I was really surprised about it, the third time I met her was the first day of class. I was surprised that she was my classmate! I actually didn't expect that we will be classmates. Oh well, from that day on we became friends, the rest was history. All I know is that we were fated to become best friends forever! :)

Mean, as most people knew her was a simple, shy, quiet, introvert, smart, funny, beautiful, demure girl. But there is more about her, when you get the chance to be with her every single day. Haha yes, EVERY SINGLE DAY! Since the start of 3rd year, we are together every single day sometimes even Sundays! Oh pls! don't think one of us is lesbian! The reason why were together every single day, is that we awere group mates in almost all the groupings, why? because our surnames starts with the same letters!

Back to my story...

She was very sweet, thoughtful, loving friend. She is always there for you whenever i feel down. And she never misses a day to make me laugh when I'm having a bad day.

In 3 years of our friendship, we've been through a lot of ups and downs. But we only had a few misunderstanding days. Usually, at the end of the day whatever conflict we had it is settled.

I know her more compared to others, but seriously she still has a lot of things in mind that she wanted to say but cannot really utter it in words.

They say that true friends shares secret with each other right? we've shared a lot of secrets with each other, but when it comes to her secrets I still have to convince her on revealing it to me because she is somewhat reserved. She will just say her secrets once she feels like telling it.

I get used to her, that's all I know. Because there is this days that she was really moody etc.

Me and Mean are two different individuals but we get to work with our differences. But you know somehow, we really have something in common.

She was also one of the reason why I was not giving up on some things. She gives me courage to keep on moving, even if sometimes I wanted to end things up. I know she may not notice it, but she was an angel in disguise. She saves me most of the time.

The space here is not really enough to narrate everything about our friendship.

Oh well, Mean, if you are reading this.... THANK YOU so MUCH dude! I hope our friendship will never last. Thank you for making me feel like one of your family. You know what I'm talking about. And I want you to know that, no matter what happens in the coming days I will always be here for you. You can count on me! And always keep in mind that you were not alone! hahaha (LSS)


Xie Xie MEan!

Something about the blog I couldn't end up

I was writing up something before this blog. Too bad I cannot find the right words to end up that blog. I guess, I'll just have to post it once I'm in the mood to finish it up. It's pretty much a long story about a guy who just dumped me. Oh! the word "dumped" is too exaggerating but I really can't find the best word to describe what really happened between us. If it isn't dumping? then what in the world could it possibly be?

A thought just came to me right now, probably the reason why I couldn't find the words to finish up that blog is that I'm not yet ready to end up on what we've had just started.

I really really felt sad, depressed, and anxious about it.

It was just weird that after what had happened, here I am still hoping that one of these coming days, he will send me a message asking me out blah blah. Damn it! No matter how hard I try not to think of him, I just found myself thinking of him reminiscing all the good talks that we've shared.

When will this stop? I don't want to end things in this way.